I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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