also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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