I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
