in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
