dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize