I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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