it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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