The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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