I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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