I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
