I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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