We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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