This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
