just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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