i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
