Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
