Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
