Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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