I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
