Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
