Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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