last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
