Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
