Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
