He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
