Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
