my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
