You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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