shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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