but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just pee around me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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