Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
