Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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