i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
And then he peed in my hair
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