don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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