I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize