Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize