My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
