Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
