I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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