i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
