you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
