I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
