I hope mine doesn't look like that
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
