what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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