So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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