like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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