When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize