I smell stomach acid.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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