Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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