we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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