This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
