Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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