No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
