She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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