There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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