so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
