Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
