Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
