If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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