I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
