so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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