If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
