Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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