I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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