Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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