Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
