I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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