Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
