i dedicated my morning wood to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize