I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
