he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I party with great urgency now.
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