There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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