it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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