just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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